Life-Update on Aditya Unfiltered

2k25 Wrapped Up!

Thu, 01 Jan 2026 12:27:37 +0800

It is officially 2026. I began planning this entry in 2025, but call with family stretched longer than expected – reminding me, once again, that I cannot multitask the way I think I can. Even so, before writing a dramatic year-end post, I wanted to reflect on 2025 in a verbose and raw form, so that I can read it later and not forget the details.

If I had to describe 2025 in one word, it would be overwhelming. The interpretation of that word changed every day, but its intensity remained constant.

The First Quarter 🔗

The year began with my return on January 2nd. I went straight from the airport to the lab and immediately started working on evaluation tasks for our paper. That phase exposed the rough edges of the submission. The paper focused on designing a new language, and my incomplete grasp of some theoretical aspects made identifying missing features and bugs extremely difficult. Debugging – and even knowing what to debug – felt overwhelming.

Still, I pushed through and completed two example case studies, which felt like a genuine achievement at the time. When the results came out, rejection seemed likely, though we stayed cautiously optimistic until the final decision. Once it arrived, we regrouped quickly and resubmitted to another venue within a week. That version felt significantly stronger. By then, nearly a quarter of the year had already passed.

On the personal side, I had already broken several promises to friends – travel plans and visits from Singapore. That was when I realized something uncomfortable: I was no longer living like an adult balancing commitments; I was simply reacting to circumstances.

The Second Quarter 🔗

After the resubmission, I hoped to finally work on things I genuinely enjoyed. Earlier in the year, I had been curious about eBPF, but without sufficient foundations, my reading felt scattered and unproductive. After discussing this with my advisor, I was encouraged to implement the Capstone processor first, as a way to build a strong base. I trusted that advice and committed fully.

By May 10th, I was close to finishing – but I had to return to India for my sister’s examination. I left knowing the debugging wasn’t complete and that it was mentally consuming me. When I returned, my routine narrowed drastically: work out in the morning, debug all day, go home, sleep.

Debugging dragged on endlessly. My peak physical condition – six days a week in the gym – slowly disappeared. Twelve- to fourteen-hour days turned into sixteen-hour marathons, often ending with overnight stays in the lab. This wasn’t hustle. I wasn’t chasing ambition. I was addicted to the feeling of closure. And debugging RTL is far more mentally draining than debugging software.

The Third Quarter 🔗

By early Q3, exhaustion had set in. Around this time, I took a short break to visit my grandparents and my university. Those few days – especially conversations with a close friend – gave me much-needed clarity.

I realized how fortunate I was to be working on something I genuinely liked. A clearer PhD direction began to form: I wanted to make the lives of other RTL designers easier. Through our work on Anvil, I had already gained a reasonable grasp of compiler design – but none of this could truly begin until I found closure with the Capstone processor.

Before that break, our March submission unexpectedly received a revision decision, compressing months of work into a few weeks. When I returned, I worked more systematically at first – planning before execution – which helped. But toward the end, I slipped back into familiar patterns: endless debugging and chasing closure. I worked through fever and exhaustion, largely as a consequence of procrastinated work.

Eventually, we submitted just before the deadline. Around the same time, the Capstone processor finally reached closure when a colleague identified the last bug.

That bug was painfully simple compared to the time spent chasing it. More than anything, that experience confirmed an instinct I had been developing: verification – despite being extremely difficult for me – is what I should pursue. There’s a saying about doing what you’re bad at; I don’t remember it exactly, but the idea stayed with me.

The Fourth Quarter 🔗

The last quarter of the year began with a search for a concrete problem statement. My routine had deteriorated, my physique had declined, and I knew the learning curve ahead was steep. I tried to reset everything at once.

For weeks, I burned mental energy producing weak ideas for weak problems while juggling TA duties, coursework, and research. Initially, being fully occupied felt satisfying. But it quickly became overwhelming.

I was a TA for a class of 150 students and had enthusiastically redesigned the assignments, hoping to teach actively during TA sessions. In hindsight, I underestimated both the difficulty and the ambiguity of the assignment. The result was weeks of nonstop student emails, forum posts, and multiple extra Zoom sessions. Much of the confusion was my responsibility, though some of it stemmed from students’ lack of background.

Balancing empathy with accountability was difficult – especially when I was already stretched thin. I soon realized my TA reviews were going to be bad. And they were (they came back a few days ago). That experience deserves a blog post of its own, but for now I’ll just say this: I learned a lot about teaching and the importance of precise specifications – useful lessons for someone interested in programming languages.

Meanwhile, coursework and research stagnated. The overload eventually manifested physically. I disrupted my routine completely – late nights, minimal sleep, excessive coffee – and developed severe reflux, dry mouth, and panic symptoms that culminated in an ER visit.

What followed was a forced pause due to phagophobia (fear of swallowing). I couldn’t eat solid food for a week or ten days, which drained my energy further. Ironically, once I diagnosed the issue using ChatGPT, I was able to recover relatively quickly.

Recovery didn’t come from anything dramatic, but from fixing basics: sleeping properly, quitting coffee, and stabilizing my routine. Within a week, I could eat normally again. By mid-quarter, my health improved. TA duties wrapped up, coursework eased, and my ideas – while still imperfect – slowly became less chaotic as I kept learning.

I committed to another research deadline, only to realize two nights before submission that my core motivating example was flawed. I aborted the submission – my first missed deadline. That failure weighed heavily. I had neglected family, missed celebrations, struggled academically, and felt stretched too thin.

Some good news followed. My QE went better than expected, and our earlier paper was accepted. I was grateful – but the happiness was muted, perhaps because exhaustion had become my baseline.

I ended the year by visiting home and taking real rest – mostly watching movies and doing very little. It wasn’t a perfect break, but it gave me the motivation to start 2026 afresh, seeing my family happy and healthy (at least by the end of the year).

That, in verbose detail, is how 2025 unfolded for me. Especially in the last quarter, I felt overwhelmed almost constantly. But I also learned a lot about myself – my limits, my tendencies, and my internal demons. And the good thing is: when there are problems to fix, life is never boring.

This is how I close 2025: humbled by colleagues; grateful for the support that allowed me to explore a new direction; grateful for my health; and grateful for tangible progress in my education, career, and learning. I’m thankful that I could visit my family, attend a close friend group’s convocation, and reconnect after a year. I’m equally grateful for the joyful gatherings at my workplace that made life more comfortable. Most of all, I’m grateful that my family is well at the end of the year.

For 2026, I hope to regain my physique, manage stress and time better, and think more systematically. But above all, I hope to talk to more people than I did this year. Life is deeply non-deterministic, and people should never be left behind.

Signing off,
Aditya Ranjan Jha

Reviving for the Nth time, just to feel good

Sat, 20 Sep 2025 16:31:11 +0800

Well, it’s been quite long since I actually wrote a blog post. A lot has happened since then, and I don’t think it’s easy to summarize everything in one post. But I’ll talk about how I remembered my blog and decided to revive it.

I’ve been trying to manage my time better over the past few months, let’s say since the beginning of summer. I went home for my sister’s exams and then came back to college. I was working on the capstone project, where I was trying to implement the capstone processor. The initial days went quite smoothly: I learnt the intricacies of processor design and the capstone architecture, which is a security-focused processor. But as time went on, I got caught up in debugging. Looking back, most of it was due to poor debugging practices and a lack of patience. Every single day I tried to “make it work,” twisting and forcing my way through. And as I got lost in this rathole, I became addicted to being in the lab, thinking about it all the time. To the outside world it may have looked like hard work or passion, but in reality it was just obsession with seeing the end — which is not the reason one should be doing things.

Several times I thought of coming back here and writing, but the barrier felt too high. In the process I completely lost track of time, the habit of reading, writing, and other things. And, as usual, it eventually led to burnout. So I took a week-long break to visit my friends and grandparents. While I was there, I was still stressed about an upcoming deadline — one I had completely postponed because of the debugging obsession.

Naturally, when I came back, we decided it was best to leave the debugging aside for a few days and focus on the deadline. So the original 6 weeks allotted for it had to be squeezed into the remaining 3 weeks. I was very stressed — so much so that when my mom and sister came to visit me for 2 days, I couldn’t enjoy it properly and probably didn’t give them the time and send-off they deserved. But there were a few improvements in my way of working: this time I started writing things down, either before implementing them or as I implemented them. That helped initially, but soon it got out of hand and I was back in the same situation: spending double the time debugging compared to writing the code. Eventually, I realized the silly mistakes I had been making. To fix them, I wrote the problem and the algorithm on paper, implemented the algorithm cleanly, and diffed it with my buggy code to spot the issue. That systematic fix took just 2 hours one morning — but I had been chasing it for over a week.

In the end, my colleague actually found the last bug in the capstone code — a one-liner mistake. It was satisfying, but also frustrating that so much time had been wasted on something so trivial.

We somehow met the deadline — barely — working till the last day for the revision deadline. As anyone can agree, that was pathetic management. But apart from the lessons I learnt, it also made me seriously think about my PhD and what I want to do. The “why” probably deserves a post of its own, but I’ll try to summarize: however unorganized my management was, I still don’t think I’m the worst out there. That means some of my troubles with debugging and management must be common to others too. Maybe not all, but surely people waste time debugging.

So I thought: why not make my PhD about this? I’ve been thinking about it for a while. I’ve done a lot of things purely for my own entertainment and pleasure. Most of us do. But wouldn’t it be great if, in all that “entertainment,” I could also create something usable for others? I know I’m not going to cure cancer, but I believe I can be the toolsmith — someone who makes tools that help others do their work better. And since I always use my own tools first, I can build them in areas I enjoy, like hardware design or programming.

I’ve been trying to align my routine to this goal, but not everything has gone as planned. Last week I fell sick. Not “viral sick,” but in a strange way: I felt short of breath, and I became scared of swallowing food. This is something that’s hard to explain, but there’s a phobia called phagophobia. I don’t know how it started, but I’m trying to get over it. Recently I realized it might have to do with my unhealthy routine — too little sleep, too much coffee, drinking coffee instead of water. Let’s see how the fix goes.

Coming back to my PhD direction: I know this is a vague argument, but I believe it has some merit. If problems are generalized enough, then solving them becomes research. Generalization, though, is something I’m not very good at. I tend to think of solutions to specific problems, but not solutions that solve the problem and a whole category of related problems. That’s something I only realized last night — that I’m not a very systematic thinker. I often come up with garbage solutions to poorly defined problems, iterate a dozen times, and think each one is a masterpiece… until I realize it’s not. I won’t stop, of course, but I know this needs work. To outsiders, it might look like I come up with half-baked ideas and don’t think deeply enough. That was never my intention, but there’s no defense either.

So I decided to read The Art of Reasoning by David Kelley. I’ve just started, but already it feels like it addresses my exact problem: not being able to specify problems clearly. I’ll need to practice what I learn from it. Hopefully this blog can stay revived as a place to do that.

Signing off,
Aditya Ranjan Jha

A Quick Note

Sun, 15 Jun 2025 20:37:57 +0800

Well, half of the year is over. Last time I wrote a blog was three months ago — and that too was a casual attempt at poetry. I somehow see I have two drafts lying around, both technical, where I wanted to improve my scientific writing. I guess I’ll finish them later, but for now, let me just sync up with life.

This year started with me in a good initial state, and somehow it seems more packed than any set of months I’ve spent on Earth. Yet, the progress feels unquantifiable in terms of output. Still, I believe there are many lessons I’ve learned — and many more I’m yet to. I had forgotten about this blog, but the last few days I’ve been thinking about the Air India crash, and wondering if I’m missing out on the most important lesson in life.

The thought of taking a flight and having 1.5 minutes before your life collapses is something I feel scared to even imagine. But the real lesson isn’t about the crash — it’s about how small the things are that we worry about. Life, as unpredictable as it always was, never fails to surprise. We’re constantly worried about outcomes, rewards for effort, plans. But what we should really worry about are the things we take for granted, and the ones we keep postponing. “Better now than never” feels more relevant than ever.

I’m not comfortable sharing everything, but for instance: I’ve started picking up the phone instantly instead of calling back later. That’s just one of the many things I should’ve been doing all along. I’m still learning how to multiplex my time better, but hopefully I’ll get there.

Sometimes, when work gets addictive, we forget to step back and ask — is it even worth it? I think I’ve been doing that lately. But stepping back helps us find new ways to approach the same problem. I guess in the rush, I forgot to do that.

Now that I’m trying to return to the basics, it’s hard not to procrastinate. I’ve realized something — sometimes, the weirdest things make us feel purpose, energy, like we’re doing something worthwhile… only for us to realize we’re not. We’re just filling a void. A void we created by avoiding what we should’ve been doing all along.

Sometimes, suffering convinces us we’re on the right track — but in reality, it’s not serving any purpose. We create an illusion of progress. In truth, we’re just running in circles.

While I feel that I haven’t really converted my learnings into action, or my actions into results, or my results back into learning — I’ll be honest: the last few days, I’ve just felt grateful. Grateful that I’m alive and healthy, and so are the people I care about.

Now, I may not be in a great place to write opinions or gyaan. But I’ll still say this — if something in your life hasn’t turned out the way you wanted, try to move on. Because sometimes the worst outcomes become the best chapters when you look back and connect the dots. It’s unfair not to feel sad. But it’s also unfair to the time you’ve lost in penance.

Yes, I notice the irony in the opening of this blog. But like I’ve said before — me, you, everyone — we’re all hypocrites. Life is fluid. We can’t be rigid about it.

Signing off,
Aditya Ranjan Jha

2k24 Wrapped Up!

Tue, 24 Dec 2024 22:42:25 +0530

Well, it seems this has officially become a yearly ritual—welcome to the 2024 wrap-up! This year, much like the last, has been amazing. Once again, I somehow ended up with more than I deserve. As always, I worked on improving myself, tackling personal hurdles, and keeping a handful of opportunities wide open for the taking. So, let’s dive in and look back at the year in good old chronological order…

Foundations 🔗

The year started with an unusual event—I returned to campus a week before the semester began. This early return was for a project I was working on with Prof. Yuval Yarom from Ruhr University Bochum. The opportunity came through my BTP supervisor, Prof. Debdeep Mukhopadhyay, who facilitated the collaboration.

The project involved three professors and me, focusing on microarchitectural security. We held weekly meetings to discuss findings, set methodologies, and define small, achievable goals. I was nervous throughout, unsure if I could meet expectations. Yet, by the semester’s end, I managed to achieve those micro-goals. This progress made my prospective advisor happy, and we began discussing the formal steps for my PhD application.

Meanwhile, other PhD results came out. I accepted NUS, which came with an invitation to a campus visit week. The process was straightforward due to convenient visa arrangements and affordable flights. I decided to attend, bringing my mom along since the costs were reimbursed. She had just recovered from a long bed rest, and I thought she deserved a break.

The trip turned out to be fantastic. The two-day campus event included talks by professors looking to take in students. Besides the two professors I had initially applied to, I met another professor whose work intrigued me. Before the meeting, I only had a brief idea about his research interests. Looking back, I’m glad I attended his talk because I eventually decided to work with him. His research direction, while different from my prior experience, seemed novel and exciting.

After returning from the visit, I formally accepted NUS and turned down other offers. A significant reason was my hesitation to move to the US. My previous experience in Canada had left me feeling culturally isolated, and I worried about being so far from my parents, who are getting older. For mental peace and proximity to home, I narrowed my options to Singapore or Germany. At one point, I even considered staying at IIT Kharagpur. While that wouldn’t have been a bad career choice, I’m glad I opted for a change of environment.

Despite all this, Ruhr University Bochum remained a higher priority due to its location, my potential advisor, and its alignment with my previous research.

Apart from the work, this semester was my last on campus. There wasn’t much I did that was actually exciting, other than spending evenings just chatting with my friends. I think they made themselves available too, considering it was my final semester. However, like all things, it did pass. By the end, it was emotional. As soon as I said goodbye to the last of my close hall friends, I cried. I think he did too. Anyway, the bromance had to end, and I returned home with a heavy heart.

KGP shaped the person I am today. Even though my performance in college was quite average, I wouldn’t change a single thing from the past. This might be the second time I’m saying this on this blog, but it’s worth repeating: all those mistakes, wrong decisions, and the learning that followed have brought me here, and I’m grateful for that—more than I deserve. KGP helped me thrive in an ecosystem that’s a microcosm of the real world: unfair and diverse. I didn’t fully utilize its potential, especially by not socializing more, but the people I met were truly amazing and inspiring in their own ways. Even those who worked in moral grey areas were passionate about something. This became clearer to me only after leaving KGP. The best part was the sheer diversity—you could find people across the entire spectrum of human traits. There was always a peer group that shared your thinking. I’ve come to understand the truth of the saying, “If you want to judge a man, look at his friends.” I realized this just a couple of days ago. More on that later.

Transitions 🔗

After the semester, I continued working on the project, hoping to achieve publishable results. However, as Prof. Yarom had warned, the project felt like an arctic exploration—progress was painfully slow. On the personal front, my weight loss journey was going well, but my grandparents’ health was declining. During this time, I learned that direct PhD admission at Ruhr University Bochum wasn’t possible due to GPA requirements, a common hurdle in European universities. I was advised to pursue a master’s first and then reapply.

This led me to commit fully to NUS. Still, I aimed to finish the project and work towards a publication. Unfortunately, the realization about Ruhr affected my motivation. I struggled to focus and felt increasingly guilty about the lack of progress. I tried taking breaks and switching strategies, but nothing worked. At one point, I returned to another project I had paused during my BTP’s first phase, but even that didn’t help. By the final month, I fell sick and shifted my focus to preparing for NUS.

Although the summer felt like a low point, it allowed me to spend significant time with my family—a luxury I may not have for a while. Looking back, I see the hidden lesson in this phase. As Steve Jobs said, “You can only connect the dots looking backward.”

New Horizons 🔗

With this, I moved into the last tertile of 2024, marking the start of my journey at NUS. From the moment I arrived, I was immediately thrust into action with teaching duties and a project that was already lined up. Once again, opportunities seemed to come to me more generously than I deserved. However, as always, capitalizing on those opportunities was entirely up to me. I once again took a deep dive into the previous half of the year and revised the lessons, I informed and took blessings from my previous professors who mentored me as well as were source of inspiration for me.

To manage my workload effectively, I opted for a light coursework load (just one module) and took on a lab rotation with Prof. Prateek Saxena. Initially, I wasn’t sure if this was the right approach, as lab rotations are meant to help decide on an advisor. However, having chats with the Prof, I felt a strong alignment with his working style and values. His passion for his research and his dynamic approach to transitioning between directions resonated with me. His mentorship style—close-knit and aggressive in intent, matched what I had always hoped for, even if it isn’t the “ideal” one for everyone. By the end of summers, I found myself wanting to shift my research direction from offensive security (finding bugs in architectures) to something more structured and concrete. This desire was reinforced by the project I was working on, which, though under review and therefore confidential, gave me a clearer sense of what I wanted.

The project itself was a fantastic learning experience, thanks largely to a brilliant senior colleague who is one of the best engineers I’ve met. Together, we wrapped up the project in four months, framing a clean idea and completing everything within the deadline. It was the first time I could recognize a paper-worthy idea as soon as I heard it. Reflecting on this project, I realized it wasn’t just the outcome but the learning journey that mattered most.

In the first half of the semester, I maintained discipline—not just in my health journey but also in my work habits. I read research papers, tracked my time diligently, journaled regularly, and periodically reflected on my progress. However, as the deadline loomed closer, my routines unraveled. I fell back into a repetitive cycle of work, workouts, and sleep. While this rhythm helped me meet deadlines, it lacked the depth of learning and creativity required for meaningful research.

By the end of the semester, I wrapped up the work and transitioned into a phase of lighter duties—some semester-end chores, casual reading, and simply recovering from exhaustion. While nothing I did felt extraordinary, the sheer mechanical effort required made it feel significant. I realized during this time that having something to worry about is oddly comforting for me—it keeps my mind from dwelling on less productive thoughts.

As the semester ended, I found myself looking forward to a long (though not ideal) three-week break. Circumstances like convocation and travel plans made this break possible, and I hoped it would help me recharge. I spent a week traveling solo to visit relatives. Everyone I met was so happy to see me, and these interactions gave me space for introspection.

I realized a few things about myself during this period. For one, I’m not exceptional at any particular skill. I don’t have a list of great achievements to boast about. And honestly, I’m not sure if being average is sustainable for the cutthroat world of academia, which demands confidence and competitiveness.

But I also noticed something unique about myself: I have a knack for adopting habits or skills and not even realizing I’ve acquired them. This isn’t unusual in itself, but what sets me apart is my constant openness to learning new skills or aqquiring new habbits. I often begin the challenge with a sacrifice—giving up something material to establish control over myself. For instance, to lose weight, I gave up ice cream and cold drinks.

This year, I also resolved to reduce digital distractions to focus on thinking. By the time of writing this blog, I’ve quit digital media and certain social apps entirely. Writing this here feels like setting it in stone—hopefully, it will keep me accountable if the urge to return ever arises.

And with that, 2024 comes to a close. I hope we crossed paths this year because it has truly been more than I deserve. Reflecting on it, I feel grateful for having made progress on most of my resolutions, even if partially. Though I parted ways with some of the great people, I also met many later this year. Furthermore, most of my lessons this year came in hindsight—connecting dots while looking back. Naturally, this inspired me to restart blogging and share those reflections as they unfolded. As I look ahead to 2025, I’m setting new goals—not necessarily for completion but to make any progress at all. After all, every step forward, however small, is a win, and every stumble is a lesson.

Onwards and upwards, folks. Wishing you a happy and healthy New Year!

Signing off, Aditya Ranjan Jha

Introduction 2.0

Sun, 08 Sep 2024 10:42:51 +0800

Well, it’s been over eight months since I last wrote a blog and a full year since I promised to make serious changes in my life. Things have been going well since then: physically, I’m in much better shape, and mentally, I’m driven without feeling guilty, so that’s a win. Over the past year, I’ve had several moments of celebration, but there’s still a feeling of incompleteness that I’d like to address. I think I’ve made some additional lifestyle changes that could be beneficial for my personal growth. While I can’t encapsulate everything that’s happened in the last eight months just yet—perhaps I’ll save that for the year-end blog—what I can do now is fast forward to today and present a new version of myself. I aim to be more regular with my upcoming blogs, a bit more unfiltered, more vocal, and happier about what I’ve accomplished, while still being as reflective about my mistakes as before.

Present Day 🔗

I’ve joined the National University of Singapore’s School of Computing (PhD) after completing my bachelors among the best bunch of peers and friends from IIT Kharagpur. My first project is in the field of Programming Languages (PL), which is entirely new to me. My lab group has been incredibly patient with my slow adaptation to this learning curve. Although I find brainstorming interesting after such a long time, I miss the hands-on aspect of implementing and executing projects. Nevertheless, I believe that reading and conducting literature reviews are crucial parts of the learning process for junior PhDs. The field of PL is intriguing; it seems to be the only area of systems with a formal proof, though I might just be unfamiliar with other areas. Being unaware reminds me of how naive I was about research and the role of an advisor. I used to hold some ill-informed opinions about life that made me feel self-assured (perhaps overly opinionated), but I was simply naive. I can’t publicly acknowledge all of those opinions, but if I ever said something that seemed too strong or foolish, I hope you’ll forgive me. I’ve realized a lot about my previous views. Back to Singapore—I’ve been here for a month now and am still trying to find a good social circle. The lab group is fantastic, so I spend most of my time there and then retreat to my apartment to sleep. One of the changes I’ve decided to make in this new version of myself is quitting digital media, which makes finding activities to fill my free time more challenging, except for phone calls with friends and family. After a month here, I find myself believing more and more in destiny. The advisor and lab environment are a perfect fit for me, despite my initial concerns based on reviews from my professors. I’ve had a lot of time to reflect and realize that I need to work towards creating an impact or solving a significant problem. My advisor has extensive experience in training and is very candid with his feedback. It feels like luck to land in such an environment. While my beliefs may evolve over time, one thing I’m certain of is that I wouldn’t change any of my past experiences because they’ve all contributed to the person I am today, and I feel I have a purpose. One area I want to work on is my social anxiety. Although I’m not an introvert, I’ve struggled with finding words or icebreakers when meeting new people lately. This might be due to a lack of social interaction recently, but I need to change that. It’s not a language barrier, but rather my own apprehensions about saying too much or whether people will understand me that hold me back. Living in Singapore has had its inconveniences at first, especially with formalities (I just completed mine a few days ago). However, other aspects, like food and the overall student-friendliness, are very convenient. So, good night for now. I’m tired, but I think this sums up my current state. Next week, I’ll dive into more specifics—maybe about my work, goals, or other topics. Or perhaps I’ll share some thoughts on life that I might later find amusingly misguided.

Signing off
Aditya Ranjan Jha

2k23 Wrapped Up!

Wed, 27 Dec 2023 22:41:08 +0530

At the end of last year, I was filled with hopes of capitalizing on the opportunities that came my way. Throughout this year, at every juncture, I believed things couldn’t get any better, yet they continued to improve. Although I hadn’t planned for specific career milestones, I did achieve some along the way. My primary goal was to confront my inner demons and address personal challenges. While I successfully resolved many of them, there were some that proved more elusive.One persistent challenge has been maintaining discipline, and my initial attempt involved a commitment to daily bathing, even in the frigid -4 degrees Celsius weather. Despite a strong start, I faltered and broke the resolution somewhere in the second month of the year. However, in the early second half of the year, I made a conscious decision to transform my life positively. Reflecting on my journey, I realized that using my blog as an outlet to vent and confess my flaws wasn’t conducive to personal growth. Consequently, I chose to pause writing blogs until I addressed some of my character flaws and could share happier news or personal milestones. Reading my blogs felt like a one-sided therapy session, and I wanted to shift the narrative.

While I don’t have joyous news to share at the moment, I aim to end the year on a positive note. I acknowledge that this blog may still sound somber, but forgive me as I attempt to infuse it with a more optimistic tone. I will also be more informative about the subjects of discussion, unlike last year.

This year kicked off with a delightful trip to Bhutan, a tranquil and serene place that felt like the perfect retirement home. While I was there, the looming thought of returning to the two projects I had recently started crept into my mind. However, since my return, I’ve been using the visuals from my trip for meditation or just to release those happy chemicals in my brain. Upon my return, I dove into working on two projects simultaneously. While I found joy in the embedded security project with a startup, the other project left me a bit disheartened due to inconclusive results. I made an effort to lead a disciplined life, juggling classes and balancing both projects. As the college fests rolled around, I unfortunately missed Kshitij Tech Fest due to work commitments. Then came Spring Fest, where on day 0, I found myself alone at the night concert. Somehow, I got separated from my friends, and a feeling of loneliness crept in. Sensing that the coming days might be similar, I impulsively decided to head back home.

During this time, I also received an offer from one of my MITACS projects. It’s worth noting that when I applied for research fellowships, I was heavily involved in a High-Performance Computing (HPC) project. Consequently, my applications were mostly geared towards HPC and a few embedded projects. Despite not planning to accept HPC projects, as I wanted to stay close to hardware, I found myself in a dilemma when I received an offer for an Embedded Systems project. My field of interest broadly encompasses Computer Architecture and Embedded Systems, but most of my work experience until that point had been in embedded systems.Faced with this decision, I sought advice from various sources (a friend, a senior, and ChatGPT). After careful consideration, I chose to pursue the research internship, primarily for the recommendation letter, despite not having concrete plans to join the lab, which specialized in Network Research.

After gaining valuable exposure to automotive security and receiving appreciation for my work, along with promising results in my microarchitectural security project, I was geared up for my journey to Canada. Despite it being the longest flight of my life, I couldn’t fully enjoy the experience. Upon reaching there, Professor Jorg Liebeherr welcomed me warmly. I kicked off my time by utilizing the campus gym, but on the third day, I got scolded for being an hour late to the lab, unaware that I had a meeting with the Professor at 10 am that morning. However, since that incident, I made it a point to reach the lab before 10 am every day, contributing to a highly productive summer. While I couldn’t publish a paper based on my project, I did secure a robust recommendation letter and an offer to join the lab. Beyond the technical expertise gained, my stint in Canada taught me about the inner workings of a research group and the value of a close-knit, small research community. Despite feeling homesick throughout my time there, I didn’t engage much in city exploration, possibly due to a lack of confidence or a subconscious inclination to return home before dark. My routine consisted of waking up, cooking lunch and breakfast, heading to the lab, returning, and sleeping, often wasting weekends in the process.

This became my second abroad trip where I hindered my own experience due to laziness, unnecessary overthinking, and pedantic procrastination. However, I found solace and purpose in the lab environment, where I could immerse myself in work without worrying about external factors. Consequently, I started staying late, overworking, and indulging in fried junk food from campus food trucks, leading to a noticeable weight gain, perhaps exceeding 5 kgs. In the last month, I seized a long weekend (without missing a single work day) for a trip to Banff, a hill station in another part of Canada. The experience was somewhat awkward for me, being my first trip with friends from college or otherwise. The short duration made it exhausting, and my health wasn’t cooperative, especially during a 15km long trek to a 8000 ft high mountain. It was during this trek that I realized the mess my physical health was in, almost feeling like my heart would collapse. I lagged behind by about two hours, despite starting the journey together. After returning and a week of consistently sleeping 10 to 12 hours a day, the physical pain from the trip gradually subsided.

In the final weeks, Professor Liebeherr organized a warm barbecue dinner for us, marking one of the best days of my entire stay. After about three months of productive work, with the support of Professor Leibeherr and my project mentor, Dixin Wu, I bid adieu to the University of Toronto with cherished memories of the lab, and field outings (for deployment of our solution).

I returned to campus for the Autumn Semester with personal milestones in mind, particularly to figure out the next path in my career. Initially, I had the idea of sitting for placements but also applying to a mix of MS and PhD programs. However, my focus in the first half of the semester shifted to gathering a third recommendation letter from my microarchitectural security project. Unfortunately, the positive results I achieved over the summer were overturned upon my return, leading me to test various hypotheses. This period was a bit disappointing as I had hoped for a publication by September. Despite this setback, I dedicated myself to the project without worrying about the outcome or my career.

Inspired by the Sulphur mountain trek, I started working out and controlling my diet. This left me lagging behind in preparing my graduate applications, and I found myself unsure whether I wanted to pursue a PhD or if an MS would suffice. Consequently, I ended up taking the GRE unplanned, only to later realize it wasn’t required for the places I applied.

After preparing a list of prospective colleges and supervisors, I began emailing them. My confidence received a boost with a few positive responses, but towards the end, I faced a struggle with the number of recommendation letters from one of my primary LoR writers. As a failsafe, I started my microspecialization project at the beginning of the semester and managed to salvage it by the semester’s end. During this time, I committed to Inter IIT, which I juggled during the semester. However, after endsems, I worried about my application and securing a good recommendation for my microspecialization thesis project, leading me to take a break from Inter IIT. I discovered a new challenge during this period—overcommitment. I was literally tired, having caught only short breaks since the Bhutan trip. Despite receiving internship opportunities from startups (yes, I am bragging), I honestly declined due to my inability to commit.

When I returned home on December 18th, I thought I finally caught a break, but then came a research project opportunity with potential graduate opportunities, and I couldn’t turn it down. Although I anticipate not fully enjoying my last semester on campus, I refrain from complaining since I feel fortunate to receive such an opportunity.

As promised, the year kept getting better in terms of career prospects, and I am grateful for that. While I realized a lot of things this year, I barely shared them with anyone. Consequently, I believe this has been the longest I haven’t complained about anything. I feel grateful for everything; at least that keeps my head light. On personal milestones, I did lose more than 17 kgs of weight, although it’s just a fraction of what I should lose. This year, instead of time, I wasted a lot of money, and I hope that won’t be the case next year. I believe the major reason this year was so delightful is because 2 + 0 + 2 + 3 equals 7 (thala for a reason).

In the coming year, my primary focus will be on chasing discipline and completing my weight loss journey. I aim to seize the current opportunities and feel a tinge of sadness as I approach my last semester on campus. Reflecting on decisions that I might have initially regretted, such as choosing KGP and my branch, I am confident that looking back, I wouldn’t change a thing. Every decision, whether good or bad, has played a role in bringing me to this point in my life. The positive experiences have been truly uplifting, while the challenges and bad decisions have contributed to shaping me and making me mentally tougher. With this outlook, we move forward into 2024.

Cheers! Happy New year folks.Thanks for reading, see you soon.

Signing off
Aditya Ranjan Jha

I am on vacation...

Fri, 30 Jun 2023 05:59:27 -0400

Today marks the conclusion of the first half of 2023. As I reflect on these past months, it’s clear that I’ve encountered some challenges. However, I believe that this year has not been in vain. Amidst it all, there are aspects for which I am truly grateful.

One of the bright spots has been my time in Canada. The beauty of this country surrounds me, and each day brings a sense of warmth and positivity. Additionally, I appreciate the work ethic prevalent here, which has propelled me forward. The progress I’ve made is commendable, and although my current domain may not align with my post-graduation plans, I consider myself fortunate to have exceptional supervisors who are not only training me in technical skills but also imparting knowledge about research methodology and problem-solving. This overall experience has boosted my confidence. However, there are still personal challenges I struggle to overcome.

Those who engage in discussions with me or seek my guidance often perceive me as possessing a distinct mindset with exceptional self-control. Regrettably, that perception is not entirely accurate. While I do exercise control over a significant portion of my mind, there remains a part that is untamed, comparable to an unleashed dog. My motivation to address these personal demons tends to be short-lived. If I could somehow overcome the barriers preventing me from relinquishing things I should have let go of long ago, I believe I could become a physically and mentally resilient individual. Yet, I must admit that I have been failing for a considerable time. I’m uncertain when I became so lacking in willpower. There was a period when willpower was among my most formidable traits, but now I find myself unable to rein in my dopamine-driven brain and my perpetually hungry stomach. Time is passing, and I am growing older, all while still unsure of what lies ahead in life. While my previous retrospections have demonstrated the benefits of accepting and making the best of my circumstances, there remains an underlying fear that lingers. My most recent mental accomplishment has been the realization of letting go of worries that are beyond my control, and instead focusing on maximizing what I have while refraining from complaints. This realization has served as my driving force. However, I sense that my motivation is waning, and it is crucial for me to make progress. Although I possess the intellect to identify my demons, I lack the courage to confront them. This inner conflict consumes me daily, even as I lay down to sleep, yearning for the prospect of a better tomorrow. Yet, I find myself in the same weakened state each day.

I believe that perhaps I have been trying too hard to combat my weaknesses; it is time to approach this battle wisely. Rather than implementing drastic and short-lived lifestyle changes, I should focus on making small adjustments that can be sustained. It’s true that countless individuals have extolled the effectiveness of incremental changes, but I have always been reluctant to seek advice, even though I have undoubtedly missed out on valuable insights throughout my life. Somehow, I derive satisfaction from deciphering these moral codes on my own, despite their availability to us all. Therefore, I propose dividing my objectives into two distinct tasks: identifying what needs to be relinquished and determining which habits I need to adopt. Although this endeavor aims to restore discipline, I am well aware that it will require time. Instead of hiding behind the shadows of these retrospective blog posts and merely acknowledging my flaws without taking action, I must focus on personal growth before returning to this platform to share my progress at the end of the year. In essence, I am truly going on a journey of self-improvement for the latter half of 2023, akin to a vacation dedicated to my personal well-being.

Thanks for reading, see you soon.

PS: I asked chatgpt to make the language of my blog elegant and free from typos.

Signing off
Aditya Ranjan Jha

2k22 Wrapped Up!

Sat, 31 Dec 2022 23:40:26 +0530

So trying to sum up this year in the final hour of 2022! This year was full of ups and downs, but all in all what a happening year. I cried I laughed, I tried and I slept. This year had 3 emotions all in all: realization, denial and acceptance. The year started with a whole list of realizations and among a tough crowd. As soon as I reached campus I realized the competence of the crowd there and how relaxed I was at home, completely cut off from what was going on in people’s life and career. Not only that, I realized how much of goss, a great bunch of people, and societies I missed. Well coming to some facts, I was addicted to games back in my 3rd Semester and my learning curve stopped. I was able to escape that thing after coming to campus and interacting with real people. But I didn’t realize the latter until it was pointed out to me in 2 project selection interviews. These events shook my confidence. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I didn’t know what domain I wanted to work in. I didn’t know how to cover the gap of one whole semester in my learning curve. When many of my friends had a lot of progress in their life in a definite direction. I was directionless. Finding work experience seemed difficult to me as I didn’t have a good academic background, I wanted to work in a field that required a lot of knowledge to begin with and I am not ok or good with bluffing (I am not street or any kind of smart). Well, this sums up the realization phase of the year.

With all these realizations, I eventually went into denial and wasted a lot of time looking back on what I lost and worrying about what I am going to lose. Well I still sometimes do the latter. I went into absolute tryhard and started losing even more. I skipped events and fest to do something,felt separated, trying to deny what can’t be undone. Well I absolutely forgot what it’s to be around people and the value of social events that I have limited counts left of. Finally after getting nothing going my way in the first half of the year, my “grand comeback” failed and I realized my mistakes and started letting go of things eventually and as I would like to say in the lingo “Peace marna seekh gaya ‘’. This sums up the denial stage of my Y22.

In the acceptance stage being at home helped a lot in the summer breaks and of course some friends helped too. As soon as I started letting go of things, some things started aligning themselves in the direction I wanted them too. Well, I was at a point of time when I had nothing to defend or lose. And as I have mentioned earlier, will to work is associated with a reward-based system, if you don’t get rewarded for your actions your will to move ahead stagnates. And then I was rewarded with one opportunity which helped me get confidence for other opportunities and I grabbed some of them too. So, all in all, I had a direction to move but since nothing lasts forever, neither bad times nor the good times. I was again struck, hence started performing bad academically and socially, but the good thing I was much more calm this time, didn’t panic let things go and started retrospection, and found out that I am too far from my goal and may have applied for some wrong fellowship projects, anyways nothing can be done about that and hence again I had nothing in my hand to lose or defend, so I started working and got some valuable work opportunities, but on the social front I have become much more awkward, I am out of words most of the times, it’s like I have forgotten to talk with new people. My memory has also become week, I have experienced brain freeze moment many times in past one or two months. I have lost confidence in many things including sports.

So yes, My 2022 story doesn’t end on a perfect note, but what an amazing year I had. I learned so much, I enhanced my power of retrospection, I got some amazing confidence boosting opportunities, got more clear picture of what I want to become, came closer to my family and best of all made some amazing friends along the way, who I expect are the only readers of this blog. So happy new year folks, wish you an amazing year ahead. So with me in 2023 I carry a lot of work opportunities to convert into outcome, a poor physical health which I wish to repair and kind of my only resolution, this year and hope for the end of my yips on the social front of my personality. I also wish to connect with many people who I never contacted in 2022 and they were a crucial part of my life before that.

PS: Completing this blog from Bhutan.

Signing off
Aditya Ranjan Jha

PS: I am not dead

Fri, 19 Aug 2022 04:24:32 +0530

TIL 01/45 Summary (Last 45 days) 🔗

Last 45 days have been a roller coaster ride for me. I saw some steep falls, some momentary peaks and had some very helpful realizations. After Semester 4, I had a pretty hard time coping up with the shortcomings and results of the semester,I lost my confidence and felt insecure about my career (I still feel that ;_;). Through all this time I felt helpless and drifted away from people. But my family helps me calm down. But one thing I do best is realization, a bit slow but sharp accuracy.

After realizing the hard way, that one should have a continuous learning-time curve, This summer I explored many tech domains and got a bit clarity about what I can do for next 10 years of my life and it has always been there but yet not so clear that R&D is what suits me the best. Reason being that I can’t do the same thing everyday but yes I can learn something everyday and do it for some days and then start something new. I never regret (ok maybe 80% no regret) not starting early because mostly I don’t feel clueless about what 2 geeks of any other domain talk about. Still I wish I was a master of some trait, but cool.

When the summer breaks started I was willing to prepare for all the domains (SDE, finance, core, etc) for the campus internship drives to get any backup for next summer as most of them had just one prerequisite basically Competitive Programming. But I am glad I didn’t make that mistake and focussed on finding the domain suitable for me. I spent the vacation learning from MOOCS, building self projects and working on a sponsored research project. I participated in campus internship drive primarily for core electronics and R&D(in my field of interest). This Summer was definitely better than previous breaks.

I have/had many problems to deal with but I gained a bit of confidence in myself and was clear on some fundamentals to move ahead. Seeing people worried about CDC internship drives, some biases/preferences, some not so fair processes caused rift between many people, increased toxicity and through that I was able to see clearly that me or anyone else can’t change the process, the world is unfair we have to accept that and move ahead. I sat for some tests and 1 interview each on Day 1 and Day 2. I felt the fear of losing the day 1 chance at Google Hardware but the next day after losing Google Hardware, I was not so worried on Day 2 and got an offer from Texas Instruments. It was a long weekend but I was lucky to make it through. After that I have been looking for projects and research opportunities to work on, but I am out of ideas. I am confused again about what I should learn next ? Should I master core electronics or explore something new ? Becoz this is my last year to learn anything during undergrad (Pre-Final Year Undergrad).

The only thing I learnt from last 2 months is that, the beauty of time is that whether good or bad it passes away…

Signing off
Aditya Ranjan Jha