Today marks the conclusion of the first half of 2023. As I reflect on these past months, it’s clear that I’ve encountered some challenges. However, I believe that this year has not been in vain. Amidst it all, there are aspects for which I am truly grateful.
One of the bright spots has been my time in Canada. The beauty of this country surrounds me, and each day brings a sense of warmth and positivity. Additionally, I appreciate the work ethic prevalent here, which has propelled me forward. The progress I’ve made is commendable, and although my current domain may not align with my post-graduation plans, I consider myself fortunate to have exceptional supervisors who are not only training me in technical skills but also imparting knowledge about research methodology and problem-solving. This overall experience has boosted my confidence. However, there are still personal challenges I struggle to overcome.
Those who engage in discussions with me or seek my guidance often perceive me as possessing a distinct mindset with exceptional self-control. Regrettably, that perception is not entirely accurate. While I do exercise control over a significant portion of my mind, there remains a part that is untamed, comparable to an unleashed dog. My motivation to address these personal demons tends to be short-lived. If I could somehow overcome the barriers preventing me from relinquishing things I should have let go of long ago, I believe I could become a physically and mentally resilient individual. Yet, I must admit that I have been failing for a considerable time. I’m uncertain when I became so lacking in willpower. There was a period when willpower was among my most formidable traits, but now I find myself unable to rein in my dopamine-driven brain and my perpetually hungry stomach. Time is passing, and I am growing older, all while still unsure of what lies ahead in life. While my previous retrospections have demonstrated the benefits of accepting and making the best of my circumstances, there remains an underlying fear that lingers. My most recent mental accomplishment has been the realization of letting go of worries that are beyond my control, and instead focusing on maximizing what I have while refraining from complaints. This realization has served as my driving force. However, I sense that my motivation is waning, and it is crucial for me to make progress. Although I possess the intellect to identify my demons, I lack the courage to confront them. This inner conflict consumes me daily, even as I lay down to sleep, yearning for the prospect of a better tomorrow. Yet, I find myself in the same weakened state each day.
I believe that perhaps I have been trying too hard to combat my weaknesses; it is time to approach this battle wisely. Rather than implementing drastic and short-lived lifestyle changes, I should focus on making small adjustments that can be sustained. It’s true that countless individuals have extolled the effectiveness of incremental changes, but I have always been reluctant to seek advice, even though I have undoubtedly missed out on valuable insights throughout my life. Somehow, I derive satisfaction from deciphering these moral codes on my own, despite their availability to us all. Therefore, I propose dividing my objectives into two distinct tasks: identifying what needs to be relinquished and determining which habits I need to adopt. Although this endeavor aims to restore discipline, I am well aware that it will require time. Instead of hiding behind the shadows of these retrospective blog posts and merely acknowledging my flaws without taking action, I must focus on personal growth before returning to this platform to share my progress at the end of the year. In essence, I am truly going on a journey of self-improvement for the latter half of 2023, akin to a vacation dedicated to my personal well-being.
Thanks for reading, see you soon.
PS: I asked chatgpt to make the language of my blog elegant and free from typos.
Signing off
Aditya Ranjan Jha