Rants on Aditya Unfiltered

Something Cheerfully Gloomy

Mon, 14 Oct 2024 20:33:19 +0530

It’s late, and I feel like I’ve messed up my time management last week. I didn’t have anything concrete to write about, but for the sake of consistency—and because it’ll help me remember this moment—I’ve decided to pen down something abstract, even a bit gloomy. Despite the tone, the realization I had about it is important. This week, after hearing the sad news of Shri Ratan Tata’s passing, I found myself reflecting on something abstract but deeply personal. I thought about his life, and suddenly, the most abstract and generic philosophy arose in my mind. It’s about what happiness really is. I know there are thousands of sources that define happiness differently, and some might even mock the question. But I’ve realized a definition that resonates with me uniquely and personally. I also know the tone of this text might seem like I’m trying to be just another wannabe philosopher, but here it goes.

Happiness, I believe, is a fleeting period when the burdens of the past don’t weigh you down, and the future holds no looming expectations. It’s a moment in which you aren’t wishing for something better—whether it’s as brief as the joy of savoring your favorite food, or as long as a stretch of time in the past that you wish had never ended.

Looking back, one of those longer stretches of happiness for me was during the COVID lockdowns. I was with my family, safe, and everyone—including my dad—was working from home. Even though I was anxiously looking forward to future exams, I realize now that those were some of my happiest times. This contradiction is intentional because it leads to an important realization: Happiness isn’t static or absolute—it’s relative. A single event can carry both sadness and joy, depending on how you view it over time.

Another stretch of happiness came during the last two years, surrounded by friends, despite feeling burdened by uncertainty about my career and a tendency toward lethargy. Even though I was stuck in those feelings, I had the freedom to speak openly and enjoy the little moments with them—like our simple treks up and down the bridge near the tapri. During that time, I understood how fleeting such experiences were, knowing they would end soon. And when they did end, and I returned home, it felt like just another summer. But, I realize now how much I cherish those moments.

Since coming to Singapore, I’ve struggled to recreate that environment. I tried replacing those feelings with finding hobbies or by meeting new people, but nothing felt quite the same. When neither worked, I found myself clinging to the past, realizing—once again—that you can’t live in those moments forever. I recalled the “canon events” those defining moments when it all started, from our first interactions to every shared memory, regardless of whether they were captured in photos.

This reflection led me to the most generic question: Can we ever be happy forever? And then the most textbook answer came to me—“Change is the only constant.” It’s a truth that may seem sad, but it also makes sense. Without this constant change, I wouldn’t cherish the past or look forward to the future. While I can only connect the dots in hindsight, the fact that I’m reflecting on this now means I’m ready to embrace the next “canon events”.

Although I still can’t figure out what we’re even doing in life. Running around trying to “make an impact,” while the people we actually want to keep around are… well, not around. It’s like, “Congrats, you’ve unlocked the ’life goals’ achievement! Too bad everyone you want to share it with is conveniently out of reach. Classic!” It makes you wonder—are we just collecting successes or secretly playing hide-and-seek with the universe?

I mean, sure, people say, “You’ll find new people to share this with,” and that’s great and all. But why does the old one have to be replaced? Sounds depressing, right? Well, don’t worry, I’ve got plenty of free time, so I overthink all of this for you. See you next week.

Signing off
Aditya Ranjan Jha

I am on vacation...

Fri, 30 Jun 2023 05:59:27 -0400

Today marks the conclusion of the first half of 2023. As I reflect on these past months, it’s clear that I’ve encountered some challenges. However, I believe that this year has not been in vain. Amidst it all, there are aspects for which I am truly grateful.

One of the bright spots has been my time in Canada. The beauty of this country surrounds me, and each day brings a sense of warmth and positivity. Additionally, I appreciate the work ethic prevalent here, which has propelled me forward. The progress I’ve made is commendable, and although my current domain may not align with my post-graduation plans, I consider myself fortunate to have exceptional supervisors who are not only training me in technical skills but also imparting knowledge about research methodology and problem-solving. This overall experience has boosted my confidence. However, there are still personal challenges I struggle to overcome.

Those who engage in discussions with me or seek my guidance often perceive me as possessing a distinct mindset with exceptional self-control. Regrettably, that perception is not entirely accurate. While I do exercise control over a significant portion of my mind, there remains a part that is untamed, comparable to an unleashed dog. My motivation to address these personal demons tends to be short-lived. If I could somehow overcome the barriers preventing me from relinquishing things I should have let go of long ago, I believe I could become a physically and mentally resilient individual. Yet, I must admit that I have been failing for a considerable time. I’m uncertain when I became so lacking in willpower. There was a period when willpower was among my most formidable traits, but now I find myself unable to rein in my dopamine-driven brain and my perpetually hungry stomach. Time is passing, and I am growing older, all while still unsure of what lies ahead in life. While my previous retrospections have demonstrated the benefits of accepting and making the best of my circumstances, there remains an underlying fear that lingers. My most recent mental accomplishment has been the realization of letting go of worries that are beyond my control, and instead focusing on maximizing what I have while refraining from complaints. This realization has served as my driving force. However, I sense that my motivation is waning, and it is crucial for me to make progress. Although I possess the intellect to identify my demons, I lack the courage to confront them. This inner conflict consumes me daily, even as I lay down to sleep, yearning for the prospect of a better tomorrow. Yet, I find myself in the same weakened state each day.

I believe that perhaps I have been trying too hard to combat my weaknesses; it is time to approach this battle wisely. Rather than implementing drastic and short-lived lifestyle changes, I should focus on making small adjustments that can be sustained. It’s true that countless individuals have extolled the effectiveness of incremental changes, but I have always been reluctant to seek advice, even though I have undoubtedly missed out on valuable insights throughout my life. Somehow, I derive satisfaction from deciphering these moral codes on my own, despite their availability to us all. Therefore, I propose dividing my objectives into two distinct tasks: identifying what needs to be relinquished and determining which habits I need to adopt. Although this endeavor aims to restore discipline, I am well aware that it will require time. Instead of hiding behind the shadows of these retrospective blog posts and merely acknowledging my flaws without taking action, I must focus on personal growth before returning to this platform to share my progress at the end of the year. In essence, I am truly going on a journey of self-improvement for the latter half of 2023, akin to a vacation dedicated to my personal well-being.

Thanks for reading, see you soon.

PS: I asked chatgpt to make the language of my blog elegant and free from typos.

Signing off
Aditya Ranjan Jha

Second Month into retrospection

Tue, 21 Mar 2023 08:56:18 +0530

February started with tests and midsems, I could not focus on my work because of the same although somehow I managed to go through the stressful midsem fortnite without much panic this time, although I could have studied a bit more for my electives. Other than this time I was involved in one of my project works and lost a track of time and couldn’t balance time and this time I was struck so deep into one of the projects that when I went home I couldn’t spend time with my family too. Through this, I realized a positive and negative quality of my character. The positive reinforcement was not just self-realization but was through the appreciation of the project mentors. The positive quality was me being stuck to the problem until it is resolved, thus helping me realize my only strength, hard work. The negative being struck to the problem until it is resolved, being cocky and skipping my regular routine, going absolutely off my schedule. And as I speak of this, it can be easily inferred that I still have discipline issues as stated in the previous blog.

One of these days was Holi, it was one of the dullest and most depressing days on my campus as my friends whom I am usually with, were home. I made a resolution to have some routine in my life, I was able to simulate it for slightly over a week. But again when the project I was so involved with getting over on Friday. After all the mental exhaustion, I felt the need to have a day off. I planned to study some books related to my curriculum and others but I just skipped all of that and till this time I am binge-watching suits, completely gone off track, the schedule has been disrupted and I am still not able to bring it on track.

I realized that when I am struck with some task I can give my full dedication to it, I don’t know why but I feel the need for closure and when the work is done, I lose the will to do anything else. I plan to come back on track and somehow I understand that I have to keep some time off everything so that I won’t get exhausted and when I take breaks, I don’t go rogue and regret it later. Well, this sums up the whole guilt trip, I have been having for the past 2 days, I am very ashamed but when I started this it was 2:00 pm and I started binge-watching again, and it’s 6:00 pm now. My biggest problem is I have no control even though I know my ills, when I cross that thin line rather than coming back, I go rogue and make it worse. I have always been able to realize this but never correct it. Now that I see it, I think it’s my biggest ill.

Today is also the day class X boards end and I just realized it has been 6 long years since it ended for me. I would have never thought to make it this far and certainly I feel old. It’s uptime for me to make amends to my living, I am just writing this as a log so that I never forget. There are many things to do I better start soon because soon I will be out of undergraduate too. Let’s see if I can come back after crossing boundaries or still go rogue next time I write these blogs

First month into retrospection

Sat, 11 Feb 2023 19:47:55 +0530

The year started with me going to Bhutan on the first day of the year. Probably the nicest time I will have in the whole year, although when I was on the trip I wanted to come back and resume my work and come to campus as the semester already started and I was missing the entire first week of classes. During this trip, I had a lot of time to think, relax and enjoy the trip as well. The weather was chilly but the rooms were cozy and after a whole day of exploring the places I used to love to come to my room and work. To be honest, I was not as excited as the other members on the trip, but now when I think about it, I am not going to have that level of peace and serenity for a long time.

After I came back I was excited to dwell into my work, I had 2 projects ongoing, I enjoyed being busy and at the same time, I attended classes to keep up with acads. But soon I fell ill and I don’t know how but the sickness prevailed for the next 2 to 3 weeks. During my trip to Bhutan, I made some resolutions just to increase my willpower and also improve my health which as I mentioned earlier is kind of my only resolution, this year. So I avoided sugar, maida, and junk food, ate a meal once a day, and the remaining time sprouts or milk. But it was hard to keep my mental sanity and ridiculously decrease the calorie intake, since I was ill too I became weak and had to quit after 2 weeks, My other streak was of taking a bath daily which I did at -3 degree Celsius in Bhutan too. I recently broke this streak on 9th February due to a hectic and messed up day which I may mention ahead. After recovering from illness, I was not able to bring my dietary habits on track and thus yet to this day I am yet to come back to my resolution. During all this, I was trying to do my work and was busy with one of the works and thus also began to skip my learning time. At the end of last month, I got an offer for a summer research project, which sounds great but was a nightmare for me. I have been working in various fields all of which fall into one big domain, this one was one of them but not exactly the one I want to pursue higher studies in, so I wasn’t sure to choose between this research opportunity or my industry internship offer that I got through campus. Thus, upon considering the views of some of my seniors and friends and yes ChatGPT I made my choice. I questioned my choice for many days, seeing nightmares about the road not taken, for real used to have dreams about it. Well, I am a bit calmer now, since I talked to my professor and one of the seniors working in the industry. Well during this time fest was going on and I missed almost all of it and realized the value of having people around although on the non fest days I prefer to be in my solitude.

So I went home, met my family, and tried to bring my messed-up routine on track, but I couldn’t. Since we are retrospecting, I should be completely honest.

Since I have started working on 2 projects, I am not able to give time to learning and the thought of losing time always bothers me, whether I am in my room or outside in a gathering. I have lost discipline and concentration. So, the harder I try to force it on me, the farther it’s going away from me. I think about changes I should make to my life; then as usual I think of starting on a fresh day and the remaining time is wasted and I am not able to start the next day too. The cycle keeps on repeating and thus to compensate for the time lost I cancel the time that I should give to my health or other self-development habits or to be very honest, meal time. I know my demons and thus I am always worried and anxious about fixing them. But I can’t find a way for rather than forcing discipline into my life, it should be a part of me. I have a lot to defend and a lot to fight for, I need a way to balance both of them. Rather than waiting for the clock to sync and then make changes in my life. I should function asynchronously and reset the clock at the present time because if I don’t, I am going to miss the posedge of the next clock cycle and never going to make changes to my life. I think I may have to read the book I have been cursing my friend for reading (Atomic Habits). Also, I think I should stop making targets to complete and just do what I can.

So yeah thats it.

Signing off
Aditya Ranjan Jha

2k22 Wrapped Up!

Sat, 31 Dec 2022 23:40:26 +0530

So trying to sum up this year in the final hour of 2022! This year was full of ups and downs, but all in all what a happening year. I cried I laughed, I tried and I slept. This year had 3 emotions all in all: realization, denial and acceptance. The year started with a whole list of realizations and among a tough crowd. As soon as I reached campus I realized the competence of the crowd there and how relaxed I was at home, completely cut off from what was going on in people’s life and career. Not only that, I realized how much of goss, a great bunch of people, and societies I missed. Well coming to some facts, I was addicted to games back in my 3rd Semester and my learning curve stopped. I was able to escape that thing after coming to campus and interacting with real people. But I didn’t realize the latter until it was pointed out to me in 2 project selection interviews. These events shook my confidence. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I didn’t know what domain I wanted to work in. I didn’t know how to cover the gap of one whole semester in my learning curve. When many of my friends had a lot of progress in their life in a definite direction. I was directionless. Finding work experience seemed difficult to me as I didn’t have a good academic background, I wanted to work in a field that required a lot of knowledge to begin with and I am not ok or good with bluffing (I am not street or any kind of smart). Well, this sums up the realization phase of the year.

With all these realizations, I eventually went into denial and wasted a lot of time looking back on what I lost and worrying about what I am going to lose. Well I still sometimes do the latter. I went into absolute tryhard and started losing even more. I skipped events and fest to do something,felt separated, trying to deny what can’t be undone. Well I absolutely forgot what it’s to be around people and the value of social events that I have limited counts left of. Finally after getting nothing going my way in the first half of the year, my “grand comeback” failed and I realized my mistakes and started letting go of things eventually and as I would like to say in the lingo “Peace marna seekh gaya ‘’. This sums up the denial stage of my Y22.

In the acceptance stage being at home helped a lot in the summer breaks and of course some friends helped too. As soon as I started letting go of things, some things started aligning themselves in the direction I wanted them too. Well, I was at a point of time when I had nothing to defend or lose. And as I have mentioned earlier, will to work is associated with a reward-based system, if you don’t get rewarded for your actions your will to move ahead stagnates. And then I was rewarded with one opportunity which helped me get confidence for other opportunities and I grabbed some of them too. So, all in all, I had a direction to move but since nothing lasts forever, neither bad times nor the good times. I was again struck, hence started performing bad academically and socially, but the good thing I was much more calm this time, didn’t panic let things go and started retrospection, and found out that I am too far from my goal and may have applied for some wrong fellowship projects, anyways nothing can be done about that and hence again I had nothing in my hand to lose or defend, so I started working and got some valuable work opportunities, but on the social front I have become much more awkward, I am out of words most of the times, it’s like I have forgotten to talk with new people. My memory has also become week, I have experienced brain freeze moment many times in past one or two months. I have lost confidence in many things including sports.

So yes, My 2022 story doesn’t end on a perfect note, but what an amazing year I had. I learned so much, I enhanced my power of retrospection, I got some amazing confidence boosting opportunities, got more clear picture of what I want to become, came closer to my family and best of all made some amazing friends along the way, who I expect are the only readers of this blog. So happy new year folks, wish you an amazing year ahead. So with me in 2023 I carry a lot of work opportunities to convert into outcome, a poor physical health which I wish to repair and kind of my only resolution, this year and hope for the end of my yips on the social front of my personality. I also wish to connect with many people who I never contacted in 2022 and they were a crucial part of my life before that.

PS: Completing this blog from Bhutan.

Signing off
Aditya Ranjan Jha

PS: I am not dead

Fri, 19 Aug 2022 04:24:32 +0530

TIL 01/45 Summary (Last 45 days) 🔗

Last 45 days have been a roller coaster ride for me. I saw some steep falls, some momentary peaks and had some very helpful realizations. After Semester 4, I had a pretty hard time coping up with the shortcomings and results of the semester,I lost my confidence and felt insecure about my career (I still feel that ;_;). Through all this time I felt helpless and drifted away from people. But my family helps me calm down. But one thing I do best is realization, a bit slow but sharp accuracy.

After realizing the hard way, that one should have a continuous learning-time curve, This summer I explored many tech domains and got a bit clarity about what I can do for next 10 years of my life and it has always been there but yet not so clear that R&D is what suits me the best. Reason being that I can’t do the same thing everyday but yes I can learn something everyday and do it for some days and then start something new. I never regret (ok maybe 80% no regret) not starting early because mostly I don’t feel clueless about what 2 geeks of any other domain talk about. Still I wish I was a master of some trait, but cool.

When the summer breaks started I was willing to prepare for all the domains (SDE, finance, core, etc) for the campus internship drives to get any backup for next summer as most of them had just one prerequisite basically Competitive Programming. But I am glad I didn’t make that mistake and focussed on finding the domain suitable for me. I spent the vacation learning from MOOCS, building self projects and working on a sponsored research project. I participated in campus internship drive primarily for core electronics and R&D(in my field of interest). This Summer was definitely better than previous breaks.

I have/had many problems to deal with but I gained a bit of confidence in myself and was clear on some fundamentals to move ahead. Seeing people worried about CDC internship drives, some biases/preferences, some not so fair processes caused rift between many people, increased toxicity and through that I was able to see clearly that me or anyone else can’t change the process, the world is unfair we have to accept that and move ahead. I sat for some tests and 1 interview each on Day 1 and Day 2. I felt the fear of losing the day 1 chance at Google Hardware but the next day after losing Google Hardware, I was not so worried on Day 2 and got an offer from Texas Instruments. It was a long weekend but I was lucky to make it through. After that I have been looking for projects and research opportunities to work on, but I am out of ideas. I am confused again about what I should learn next ? Should I master core electronics or explore something new ? Becoz this is my last year to learn anything during undergrad (Pre-Final Year Undergrad).

The only thing I learnt from last 2 months is that, the beauty of time is that whether good or bad it passes away…

Signing off
Aditya Ranjan Jha

A Question, I can't Really answer right now.

Sat, 25 Jun 2022 01:42:34 +0530

I really don’t know! 🔗

Yo! So this is it, finally I am starting to write this blog. I have been planning to write this blog since last weekend but mehhhh, I am lazy. So since last one week I have been bombed with a specific genre of questions by my well wishers:

“What next? What do I plan to do next? What profile have I shortlisted for the upcoming campus internship drive? Or do I plan to go for research?…”

If you had asked me the same question 3-4 months back then I would have had a clear answer for these questions, But to be honest, I have no idea right now. Last few months have been rough on me, I have been rejected for several project opportunities, performed badly in acads, brutally rejected in a project interview and was made to realize that I am not even near my research interest. Well in short I succumbed to the competition. And the results of last semester made it worse. I really lost my confidence and still feel insecure about my future.

But time heals everything and it really has helped me to realize a lot of things I have been doing wrong, I have corrected some of them, some mistakes are beyond repair and some I still can’t stop doing. But still I try to avoid the question What next?. Since the start of summers I have been trying to shortlist a set of profiles or broaden my area of interest. But every time I sit with a notepad jotting down a set of topics that I like, the list becomes toooo long and I can’t figure the one out of them. But earlier this week I realized these things are a compilation of what I imagined myself to be when I am over 18 and all of those topics suddenly seemed to be a wishlist bucket. Well so the question still stands: What do I want to be? because i don’t think I am master in any of them and it’s uptime for me to make a decision because now I am in pre-final year.

So I did what I thought was right to do, I closed my eyes and slept for straight 3 hrs. Well the picture was not clear to me. So I closed my eyes again and slept…. Jk I didn’t sleep, I tried to imagine what I can work on for the next 10 years and not regret it. But tbh nothing close came to my mind, It’s just void. I can’t see my future in anything. At Least people have fantasies about the next 5 years of their life but I don’t see any of them right now. It’s Void!!.

But again the best thing I have learnt this summer is to calm down and let time fill the void. I don’t feel too tense about what I will do next, because one thing that I know for sure is it may take time but I always get a part of what I want and yes I can live with that.

P.S. -> I wrote this blog so that I can calm down and always remember what I really think is a good lesson for me.

Signing off
Aditya Ranjan Jha