Retrospection on Aditya Unfiltered

Reviving for the Nth time, just to feel good

Sat, 20 Sep 2025 16:31:11 +0800

Well, it’s been quite long since I actually wrote a blog post. A lot has happened since then, and I don’t think it’s easy to summarize everything in one post. But I’ll talk about how I remembered my blog and decided to revive it.

I’ve been trying to manage my time better over the past few months, let’s say since the beginning of summer. I went home for my sister’s exams and then came back to college. I was working on the capstone project, where I was trying to implement the capstone processor. The initial days went quite smoothly: I learnt the intricacies of processor design and the capstone architecture, which is a security-focused processor. But as time went on, I got caught up in debugging. Looking back, most of it was due to poor debugging practices and a lack of patience. Every single day I tried to “make it work,” twisting and forcing my way through. And as I got lost in this rathole, I became addicted to being in the lab, thinking about it all the time. To the outside world it may have looked like hard work or passion, but in reality it was just obsession with seeing the end — which is not the reason one should be doing things.

Several times I thought of coming back here and writing, but the barrier felt too high. In the process I completely lost track of time, the habit of reading, writing, and other things. And, as usual, it eventually led to burnout. So I took a week-long break to visit my friends and grandparents. While I was there, I was still stressed about an upcoming deadline — one I had completely postponed because of the debugging obsession.

Naturally, when I came back, we decided it was best to leave the debugging aside for a few days and focus on the deadline. So the original 6 weeks allotted for it had to be squeezed into the remaining 3 weeks. I was very stressed — so much so that when my mom and sister came to visit me for 2 days, I couldn’t enjoy it properly and probably didn’t give them the time and send-off they deserved. But there were a few improvements in my way of working: this time I started writing things down, either before implementing them or as I implemented them. That helped initially, but soon it got out of hand and I was back in the same situation: spending double the time debugging compared to writing the code. Eventually, I realized the silly mistakes I had been making. To fix them, I wrote the problem and the algorithm on paper, implemented the algorithm cleanly, and diffed it with my buggy code to spot the issue. That systematic fix took just 2 hours one morning — but I had been chasing it for over a week.

In the end, my colleague actually found the last bug in the capstone code — a one-liner mistake. It was satisfying, but also frustrating that so much time had been wasted on something so trivial.

We somehow met the deadline — barely — working till the last day for the revision deadline. As anyone can agree, that was pathetic management. But apart from the lessons I learnt, it also made me seriously think about my PhD and what I want to do. The “why” probably deserves a post of its own, but I’ll try to summarize: however unorganized my management was, I still don’t think I’m the worst out there. That means some of my troubles with debugging and management must be common to others too. Maybe not all, but surely people waste time debugging.

So I thought: why not make my PhD about this? I’ve been thinking about it for a while. I’ve done a lot of things purely for my own entertainment and pleasure. Most of us do. But wouldn’t it be great if, in all that “entertainment,” I could also create something usable for others? I know I’m not going to cure cancer, but I believe I can be the toolsmith — someone who makes tools that help others do their work better. And since I always use my own tools first, I can build them in areas I enjoy, like hardware design or programming.

I’ve been trying to align my routine to this goal, but not everything has gone as planned. Last week I fell sick. Not “viral sick,” but in a strange way: I felt short of breath, and I became scared of swallowing food. This is something that’s hard to explain, but there’s a phobia called phagophobia. I don’t know how it started, but I’m trying to get over it. Recently I realized it might have to do with my unhealthy routine — too little sleep, too much coffee, drinking coffee instead of water. Let’s see how the fix goes.

Coming back to my PhD direction: I know this is a vague argument, but I believe it has some merit. If problems are generalized enough, then solving them becomes research. Generalization, though, is something I’m not very good at. I tend to think of solutions to specific problems, but not solutions that solve the problem and a whole category of related problems. That’s something I only realized last night — that I’m not a very systematic thinker. I often come up with garbage solutions to poorly defined problems, iterate a dozen times, and think each one is a masterpiece… until I realize it’s not. I won’t stop, of course, but I know this needs work. To outsiders, it might look like I come up with half-baked ideas and don’t think deeply enough. That was never my intention, but there’s no defense either.

So I decided to read The Art of Reasoning by David Kelley. I’ve just started, but already it feels like it addresses my exact problem: not being able to specify problems clearly. I’ll need to practice what I learn from it. Hopefully this blog can stay revived as a place to do that.

Signing off,
Aditya Ranjan Jha

A Quick Note

Sun, 15 Jun 2025 20:37:57 +0800

Well, half of the year is over. Last time I wrote a blog was three months ago — and that too was a casual attempt at poetry. I somehow see I have two drafts lying around, both technical, where I wanted to improve my scientific writing. I guess I’ll finish them later, but for now, let me just sync up with life.

This year started with me in a good initial state, and somehow it seems more packed than any set of months I’ve spent on Earth. Yet, the progress feels unquantifiable in terms of output. Still, I believe there are many lessons I’ve learned — and many more I’m yet to. I had forgotten about this blog, but the last few days I’ve been thinking about the Air India crash, and wondering if I’m missing out on the most important lesson in life.

The thought of taking a flight and having 1.5 minutes before your life collapses is something I feel scared to even imagine. But the real lesson isn’t about the crash — it’s about how small the things are that we worry about. Life, as unpredictable as it always was, never fails to surprise. We’re constantly worried about outcomes, rewards for effort, plans. But what we should really worry about are the things we take for granted, and the ones we keep postponing. “Better now than never” feels more relevant than ever.

I’m not comfortable sharing everything, but for instance: I’ve started picking up the phone instantly instead of calling back later. That’s just one of the many things I should’ve been doing all along. I’m still learning how to multiplex my time better, but hopefully I’ll get there.

Sometimes, when work gets addictive, we forget to step back and ask — is it even worth it? I think I’ve been doing that lately. But stepping back helps us find new ways to approach the same problem. I guess in the rush, I forgot to do that.

Now that I’m trying to return to the basics, it’s hard not to procrastinate. I’ve realized something — sometimes, the weirdest things make us feel purpose, energy, like we’re doing something worthwhile… only for us to realize we’re not. We’re just filling a void. A void we created by avoiding what we should’ve been doing all along.

Sometimes, suffering convinces us we’re on the right track — but in reality, it’s not serving any purpose. We create an illusion of progress. In truth, we’re just running in circles.

While I feel that I haven’t really converted my learnings into action, or my actions into results, or my results back into learning — I’ll be honest: the last few days, I’ve just felt grateful. Grateful that I’m alive and healthy, and so are the people I care about.

Now, I may not be in a great place to write opinions or gyaan. But I’ll still say this — if something in your life hasn’t turned out the way you wanted, try to move on. Because sometimes the worst outcomes become the best chapters when you look back and connect the dots. It’s unfair not to feel sad. But it’s also unfair to the time you’ve lost in penance.

Yes, I notice the irony in the opening of this blog. But like I’ve said before — me, you, everyone — we’re all hypocrites. Life is fluid. We can’t be rigid about it.

Signing off,
Aditya Ranjan Jha

A Little Self Check

Mon, 04 Nov 2024 15:10:07 +0800

I’ve come to a big realization this past week: only I can truly help myself right now. It’s a lesson I’ve been late to fully grasp, but one that’s incredibly important. Reflecting on things like ethics and navigating the “grey areas” has always been part of my thoughts, but lately, I’ve discovered the power of expressiveness. The grey areas, though, make it tricky to show which side you lean toward, and representing yourself accurately is tough. Without clear self-representation, others will naturally judge—and honestly, they can’t see your context, so it’s logical from their perspective.

Growing up, I was taught that words are like arrows: once they’re out, they’re gone. But I’ve realized words are more fluid than that—though it’s easy to forget. Comedy, too, is subjective, and what’s funny to one person can fall flat or even offend another. Take a scenario where you trip and fall: it hurts, but you laugh. Misery has its own humor. Friends I’ve had over the years kept laughing, kept joking, through good times and bad. In fact, joking about the hard stuff made it easier to deal with. But that approach doesn’t seem to resonate with everyone. The lesson? I have to think more about what I say now, because my words don’t always reflect my real intent. It’s affecting me professionally, too. My ideas don’t come through clearly, whether I’m writing or presenting. It’s not a language barrier; it’s a habit of treating words too casually.

I’ve always known I was a bit of a hypocrite, but lately, my mindset has been less rigid and more fluid. I used to be strict with my principles, hard to budge, but now I feel myself blurring lines I’d normally hold firm. Maybe it’s the hectic schedule—any free time I get, I find myself swinging to extremes. I do have time, but I’m not using it well. Why do I only think about doing things when I’m actually busy?

Recording time was one habit I had that helped. I need to start that again, but I should balance it with things that spark my interest. I’ll admit it: no one can be endlessly productive. So maybe it’s time to set realistic goals instead of clinging to the fantasy of constant productivity. Yet, part of me wonders: will “realistic” goals make me feel like I didn’t push myself hard enough? It’s strange, but even with ambitious goals, I’m not hitting them. Maybe the version of myself that chased discipline is what I need to restore.

Signing off,
Aditya Ranjan Jha

The Science of Writing Science

Sun, 20 Oct 2024 22:38:37 +0800

This week I learned something that feels like a superpower. It’s not easy to learn, and I don’t think there’s a course for it, but it’s one of those things that, once you realize, changes how you think forever. So, buckle up—this is the introduction to some very formal lessons coming up soon.

I spent this week writing for my project, and every time I sent a draft to my advisor, I thought I’d nailed it. I mean, masterpiece level nailed it. I had heard my advisor was strict about scientific communication, and I’d seen how clear his course presentations were. But when I got his feedback… well, it was the same feedback everyone in the lab seemed to get. The moment I understood his point, I was both fascinated by his insight and completely embarrassed by my writing. After three rounds of edits and about a week of back-and-forth, I finally wrote… drumroll… two pages. Yes, two whole pages! But trust me, the mistakes and the process were invaluable lessons.

The Reality Check: My Writing Was… Not Good 🔗

First off, I had this grand illusion that my thoughts were clear and my writing was top-notch. Yeah, no. That glass has shattered. What I thought was clarity was, in reality, a confusing mess. I realize now that this probably goes back to childhood habits. I was always a messy presenter of ideas—especially in handwritten work. I hated it so much that, as a teenager, I rarely even did my own projects. I’d ask my mom or sister to make them for me! I thought those assignments were about creativity or art. But in reality, they were teaching us how to present ideas in an organized, visual way. There are people who write answers by highlighting the key points first. And then there’s me, crafting sentences so “elegant” that the point gets lost entirely.

Thinking back, I can see why my university grades sometimes looked like crash test dummies. It wasn’t just my handwriting; my ideas were stuck in my brain and didn’t make it onto the paper. Twice, I even had professors on the verge of ripping up my answer sheets! At the time, I thought it was just about presentation or handwriting, but really, the problem was that I hadn’t written down what was actually in my head.

So, here I am, finally realizing I need to fix this. Better late than never, right? From now on, I’m making an effort to get better at scientific writing. I’m going to use my blog to convey ideas, and I’ll start sending drafts to people for feedback. I’ve learned that the core of scientific writing isn’t about showing off vocabulary (sorry, past me), but about getting ideas across clearly and directly.

Keep It Simple (And Visual!) 🔗

The first rule of ~~fight~~ write club? Keep sentences short. (If this blog seems ironic to you, well, just know I’m still learning!) Long sentences lose the reader, and that makes total sense. Another key? Write in order. The best texts allow the reader to build context by reading each line in sequence, without jumping all over the place. And, surprise surprise, the simpler the writing, the better. If someone with no background can understand your work, you’ve won. Unlike literary devices, where complexity might add depth, in science, it adds confusion. The best ideas should pop up right in the beginning, so the reader doesn’t get lost in unnecessary details.

Another thing I’ve learned is about maintaining context size—each word should be an abstraction of either a well-known concept or something from your own contribution. The fewer abstractions (verbs, nouns) you use to explain your idea, the clearer it becomes. Think of it like this: it’s all about how many key words you need to describe your idea accurately. And diagrams? They’re golden. A picture really does speak a thousand words—if it’s simple enough! Diagrams should communicate ideas as cleanly and minimally as possible. If you can follow all of this, wrap things up with a strong claim to leave an impression.

Here’s the cool part: I now appreciate all the things I used to overlook. Diagrams in scientific texts, animations in videos, slides in presentations—each word spoken by a presenter has a purpose. It’s so difficult to encapsulate a whole idea in just a few minutes of talking or writing. And it’s not just short presentations—long ones are hard too, because people are more likely to zone out. The challenge is to keep their attention and communicate the core idea early.

Since joining this program, I’ve seen some excellent presentations. What stood out to me was how much time these presenters spent setting up the background. Only about 25% of the time was devoted to their actual contribution. This is exactly opposite of what our bachelor thesis presentations at KGP trained us for: spend most of the time on the results! I think the focus on results was about proving our sincerity, not the novelty of our ideas (especially since we only had 10 minutes to present).

So, yeah, this blog may not fully follow the lessons I’ve learned this week, but it’s a start. I’ll be writing more technical blogs from here on out, putting these new skills into practice. Stay tuned!

Signing off,
Aditya Ranjan Jha

I am on vacation...

Fri, 30 Jun 2023 05:59:27 -0400

Today marks the conclusion of the first half of 2023. As I reflect on these past months, it’s clear that I’ve encountered some challenges. However, I believe that this year has not been in vain. Amidst it all, there are aspects for which I am truly grateful.

One of the bright spots has been my time in Canada. The beauty of this country surrounds me, and each day brings a sense of warmth and positivity. Additionally, I appreciate the work ethic prevalent here, which has propelled me forward. The progress I’ve made is commendable, and although my current domain may not align with my post-graduation plans, I consider myself fortunate to have exceptional supervisors who are not only training me in technical skills but also imparting knowledge about research methodology and problem-solving. This overall experience has boosted my confidence. However, there are still personal challenges I struggle to overcome.

Those who engage in discussions with me or seek my guidance often perceive me as possessing a distinct mindset with exceptional self-control. Regrettably, that perception is not entirely accurate. While I do exercise control over a significant portion of my mind, there remains a part that is untamed, comparable to an unleashed dog. My motivation to address these personal demons tends to be short-lived. If I could somehow overcome the barriers preventing me from relinquishing things I should have let go of long ago, I believe I could become a physically and mentally resilient individual. Yet, I must admit that I have been failing for a considerable time. I’m uncertain when I became so lacking in willpower. There was a period when willpower was among my most formidable traits, but now I find myself unable to rein in my dopamine-driven brain and my perpetually hungry stomach. Time is passing, and I am growing older, all while still unsure of what lies ahead in life. While my previous retrospections have demonstrated the benefits of accepting and making the best of my circumstances, there remains an underlying fear that lingers. My most recent mental accomplishment has been the realization of letting go of worries that are beyond my control, and instead focusing on maximizing what I have while refraining from complaints. This realization has served as my driving force. However, I sense that my motivation is waning, and it is crucial for me to make progress. Although I possess the intellect to identify my demons, I lack the courage to confront them. This inner conflict consumes me daily, even as I lay down to sleep, yearning for the prospect of a better tomorrow. Yet, I find myself in the same weakened state each day.

I believe that perhaps I have been trying too hard to combat my weaknesses; it is time to approach this battle wisely. Rather than implementing drastic and short-lived lifestyle changes, I should focus on making small adjustments that can be sustained. It’s true that countless individuals have extolled the effectiveness of incremental changes, but I have always been reluctant to seek advice, even though I have undoubtedly missed out on valuable insights throughout my life. Somehow, I derive satisfaction from deciphering these moral codes on my own, despite their availability to us all. Therefore, I propose dividing my objectives into two distinct tasks: identifying what needs to be relinquished and determining which habits I need to adopt. Although this endeavor aims to restore discipline, I am well aware that it will require time. Instead of hiding behind the shadows of these retrospective blog posts and merely acknowledging my flaws without taking action, I must focus on personal growth before returning to this platform to share my progress at the end of the year. In essence, I am truly going on a journey of self-improvement for the latter half of 2023, akin to a vacation dedicated to my personal well-being.

Thanks for reading, see you soon.

PS: I asked chatgpt to make the language of my blog elegant and free from typos.

Signing off
Aditya Ranjan Jha

Second Month into retrospection

Tue, 21 Mar 2023 08:56:18 +0530

February started with tests and midsems, I could not focus on my work because of the same although somehow I managed to go through the stressful midsem fortnite without much panic this time, although I could have studied a bit more for my electives. Other than this time I was involved in one of my project works and lost a track of time and couldn’t balance time and this time I was struck so deep into one of the projects that when I went home I couldn’t spend time with my family too. Through this, I realized a positive and negative quality of my character. The positive reinforcement was not just self-realization but was through the appreciation of the project mentors. The positive quality was me being stuck to the problem until it is resolved, thus helping me realize my only strength, hard work. The negative being struck to the problem until it is resolved, being cocky and skipping my regular routine, going absolutely off my schedule. And as I speak of this, it can be easily inferred that I still have discipline issues as stated in the previous blog.

One of these days was Holi, it was one of the dullest and most depressing days on my campus as my friends whom I am usually with, were home. I made a resolution to have some routine in my life, I was able to simulate it for slightly over a week. But again when the project I was so involved with getting over on Friday. After all the mental exhaustion, I felt the need to have a day off. I planned to study some books related to my curriculum and others but I just skipped all of that and till this time I am binge-watching suits, completely gone off track, the schedule has been disrupted and I am still not able to bring it on track.

I realized that when I am struck with some task I can give my full dedication to it, I don’t know why but I feel the need for closure and when the work is done, I lose the will to do anything else. I plan to come back on track and somehow I understand that I have to keep some time off everything so that I won’t get exhausted and when I take breaks, I don’t go rogue and regret it later. Well, this sums up the whole guilt trip, I have been having for the past 2 days, I am very ashamed but when I started this it was 2:00 pm and I started binge-watching again, and it’s 6:00 pm now. My biggest problem is I have no control even though I know my ills, when I cross that thin line rather than coming back, I go rogue and make it worse. I have always been able to realize this but never correct it. Now that I see it, I think it’s my biggest ill.

Today is also the day class X boards end and I just realized it has been 6 long years since it ended for me. I would have never thought to make it this far and certainly I feel old. It’s uptime for me to make amends to my living, I am just writing this as a log so that I never forget. There are many things to do I better start soon because soon I will be out of undergraduate too. Let’s see if I can come back after crossing boundaries or still go rogue next time I write these blogs

First month into retrospection

Sat, 11 Feb 2023 19:47:55 +0530

The year started with me going to Bhutan on the first day of the year. Probably the nicest time I will have in the whole year, although when I was on the trip I wanted to come back and resume my work and come to campus as the semester already started and I was missing the entire first week of classes. During this trip, I had a lot of time to think, relax and enjoy the trip as well. The weather was chilly but the rooms were cozy and after a whole day of exploring the places I used to love to come to my room and work. To be honest, I was not as excited as the other members on the trip, but now when I think about it, I am not going to have that level of peace and serenity for a long time.

After I came back I was excited to dwell into my work, I had 2 projects ongoing, I enjoyed being busy and at the same time, I attended classes to keep up with acads. But soon I fell ill and I don’t know how but the sickness prevailed for the next 2 to 3 weeks. During my trip to Bhutan, I made some resolutions just to increase my willpower and also improve my health which as I mentioned earlier is kind of my only resolution, this year. So I avoided sugar, maida, and junk food, ate a meal once a day, and the remaining time sprouts or milk. But it was hard to keep my mental sanity and ridiculously decrease the calorie intake, since I was ill too I became weak and had to quit after 2 weeks, My other streak was of taking a bath daily which I did at -3 degree Celsius in Bhutan too. I recently broke this streak on 9th February due to a hectic and messed up day which I may mention ahead. After recovering from illness, I was not able to bring my dietary habits on track and thus yet to this day I am yet to come back to my resolution. During all this, I was trying to do my work and was busy with one of the works and thus also began to skip my learning time. At the end of last month, I got an offer for a summer research project, which sounds great but was a nightmare for me. I have been working in various fields all of which fall into one big domain, this one was one of them but not exactly the one I want to pursue higher studies in, so I wasn’t sure to choose between this research opportunity or my industry internship offer that I got through campus. Thus, upon considering the views of some of my seniors and friends and yes ChatGPT I made my choice. I questioned my choice for many days, seeing nightmares about the road not taken, for real used to have dreams about it. Well, I am a bit calmer now, since I talked to my professor and one of the seniors working in the industry. Well during this time fest was going on and I missed almost all of it and realized the value of having people around although on the non fest days I prefer to be in my solitude.

So I went home, met my family, and tried to bring my messed-up routine on track, but I couldn’t. Since we are retrospecting, I should be completely honest.

Since I have started working on 2 projects, I am not able to give time to learning and the thought of losing time always bothers me, whether I am in my room or outside in a gathering. I have lost discipline and concentration. So, the harder I try to force it on me, the farther it’s going away from me. I think about changes I should make to my life; then as usual I think of starting on a fresh day and the remaining time is wasted and I am not able to start the next day too. The cycle keeps on repeating and thus to compensate for the time lost I cancel the time that I should give to my health or other self-development habits or to be very honest, meal time. I know my demons and thus I am always worried and anxious about fixing them. But I can’t find a way for rather than forcing discipline into my life, it should be a part of me. I have a lot to defend and a lot to fight for, I need a way to balance both of them. Rather than waiting for the clock to sync and then make changes in my life. I should function asynchronously and reset the clock at the present time because if I don’t, I am going to miss the posedge of the next clock cycle and never going to make changes to my life. I think I may have to read the book I have been cursing my friend for reading (Atomic Habits). Also, I think I should stop making targets to complete and just do what I can.

So yeah thats it.

Signing off
Aditya Ranjan Jha

A Question, I can't Really answer right now.

Sat, 25 Jun 2022 01:42:34 +0530

I really don’t know! 🔗

Yo! So this is it, finally I am starting to write this blog. I have been planning to write this blog since last weekend but mehhhh, I am lazy. So since last one week I have been bombed with a specific genre of questions by my well wishers:

“What next? What do I plan to do next? What profile have I shortlisted for the upcoming campus internship drive? Or do I plan to go for research?…”

If you had asked me the same question 3-4 months back then I would have had a clear answer for these questions, But to be honest, I have no idea right now. Last few months have been rough on me, I have been rejected for several project opportunities, performed badly in acads, brutally rejected in a project interview and was made to realize that I am not even near my research interest. Well in short I succumbed to the competition. And the results of last semester made it worse. I really lost my confidence and still feel insecure about my future.

But time heals everything and it really has helped me to realize a lot of things I have been doing wrong, I have corrected some of them, some mistakes are beyond repair and some I still can’t stop doing. But still I try to avoid the question What next?. Since the start of summers I have been trying to shortlist a set of profiles or broaden my area of interest. But every time I sit with a notepad jotting down a set of topics that I like, the list becomes toooo long and I can’t figure the one out of them. But earlier this week I realized these things are a compilation of what I imagined myself to be when I am over 18 and all of those topics suddenly seemed to be a wishlist bucket. Well so the question still stands: What do I want to be? because i don’t think I am master in any of them and it’s uptime for me to make a decision because now I am in pre-final year.

So I did what I thought was right to do, I closed my eyes and slept for straight 3 hrs. Well the picture was not clear to me. So I closed my eyes again and slept…. Jk I didn’t sleep, I tried to imagine what I can work on for the next 10 years and not regret it. But tbh nothing close came to my mind, It’s just void. I can’t see my future in anything. At Least people have fantasies about the next 5 years of their life but I don’t see any of them right now. It’s Void!!.

But again the best thing I have learnt this summer is to calm down and let time fill the void. I don’t feel too tense about what I will do next, because one thing that I know for sure is it may take time but I always get a part of what I want and yes I can live with that.

P.S. -> I wrote this blog so that I can calm down and always remember what I really think is a good lesson for me.

Signing off
Aditya Ranjan Jha